COMPOSITE COMMENTS
I love that you tried to put Darwin and Kafka together!
When you ask your provocative question about the marriage rate dropping, I really hear your voice behind the text and I can see you questioning the system of marriage conformity. This makes this essay extra special, not just an exercise, but a genuine exploration and questioning.
You put Kafka and Atwood together in a way so surprising and interesting and ultimately enlightening for us in examining men's brainwashed desire to rescue and provide for a weaker woman.
You use Darwin in innovative, creative ways that no one has. Just when the theory of evolution seems like it won't fit, you make it fit.
I like your insight that two students might look the same on the outside but be doing the same thing for different reasons, one for conformity, the other for himself.
I like the casual, personal voice you use when you talk about yourself.
The parallels between Kafka, the bible, and high school are breathtakingly interesting and clever and original.
Too much nonconformity would lead to chaos. But if you just sit in class and take everything as truth you'll be a bug.
Every culture leads its members to conform to it to become new members. This idea is so interesting and convincing and insightful.
Your clever and ironic voice are everywhere evident, which gives your essay punch and liveliness and makes the reader aware of the person behind the essay.
When you really know what you're saying and mean it, your sentence writing is easy to follow and makes sense and even moves the reader.
The personal parts of the essay are honest and interesting. But they flow together seamlessly with the other parts about Kafka.
Your exploration of the id as both dangerous and a source of creativity and nonconformity is wonderful and original. Framing conformity at each extreme with Kurtz and Gregor is perfect.
To interview someone from Mao's era is extraordinary, almost like climbing in a time machine.
You sustained a lengthy analysis of conformity in Kafka, the kind of sustained reasoning I hadn't seen enough of before and hope to see more of in the future.
You completely understand Darwin's theory and then use it in very interesting and metaphorical ways to think about how we conform. If there were no differences, where would we be? How would we survive?
Your use of the graphic novel is quite interesting and adds something no other essay seems to have.
BIGGEST PROBLEMS IN GRAMMER AND USAGE
--PROOFREADING: Do it! Do it twice. Have somebody else look for errors as well.
--Missing words: 'the' 'a' are missing (proofread again, read aloud, show it to someone)
--HOMONYMS: their/there/they're to/too/two cite/sight (spellcheck won't catch these)
--TITLES: Don't underline yours. Italicize or underline novels.
--MLA: Please don't forget headers and works cited pages next year.
--Overgeneralizations: Don't conclude with 'it all depends' or 'find a balance between conforming and not conforming.' (Don't end your essay on a generality: say something.)
--'s errors: Not Kafkas message, Kafka's message. (Learn to spot this.)
--semicolon where a comma should be (not interchangable)
--"Put commas and periods INSIDE quoations marks." (like this, not this)".
--COMMA SPLICE: Don't join two sentences with a comma, it's not correct.
(learn these before next year; possible quiz after spring break)
